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I'm still a young pup' to most of you all out there, but hoped that again I could ask for some guidance, words of encouragement, or help.
I took in another defendant who was young, pregnant, much like that girl I mentioned in a previous post. And as I mentioned I've have had a lot of young kids come into my sights lately. Tonight was not a fun one for me - came home, spent time with my daughter and Fantasy Goddess - but a movie was on: "Gone Baby Gone". For those who haven't seen it, it's about a kidnapped girl from the projects.
It shook me up, and it reminded me of a couple of cases I've worked out in the inner cities of Atlanta and Athens. Immediately I had some flashbacks of the smell of crack-houses, visions of the impoverished homes, and the "Ghetto"...
Two of my weaknesses: 1) I am still new to this world and 2) I have a big heart (as Rick my boss would say).
During the last couple of months I've had very vivid dreams about this line of work. Certain things remind me of cases, places, situations I've been in. When I come home at night from the office I have to pass by a few chicken processing plants and the smell reminds me of a hotel room we hit for a guy who almost OD'd on drugs and alcohol; the smell of vomit, stale food and vodka, urine, feces, and a general lack of hygiene flared my nostrils and the next thing I know I have flashbacks of this guy coughing blood as we're encouraging him to hold on as the EMTs work on him.
...he lived, thank God, and thus far is clean.
Tonight I saw that movie, was reminded of some of the places I've been to and apprehended defendants at, and it shook me up. Part of it was because I have a child now, worrying about what happens later when she dates and goes out, and the other part is because I really just want to know where has humanity gone wrong?
The last time I was like this was when I came home. But, to me it was different...it was over there. Now, this is here, our backyard, my backyard, and it as naive as the saying goes has "hit me home". And at night, sometimes, I just feel like I could do something, anything, to help those who screwed up, or for those who really have missed the band-wagon, want to make sure that they stay in the tank as long as possible.
Despite all of this, I can live with it...and love what I do, and I would trade NOTHING in the world to continue on what I'm doing...but I look at my little girl and sometimes I wonder what I'm going to say when she says "Daddy, what's wrong with the world?"
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There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. But doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you still get the same soaking. This understanding extends to everything. - From the Hagakure
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